Backseat Drivers
Unsolicited advice: The unwanted gift that everyone keeps on giving.
Author’s Note: Today’s feature column is free to all subscribers.
It recently dawned on me that most of my life has been spent offering advice. Whether as a personal trainer, martial arts instructor, coach, gambling industry pundit, or parent, I’ve had to provide advice to countless people, with the ramifications of that advice ranging from superficial to serious.
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I’ve learned (after many. many years) that giving advice is easy; convincing someone that 1) you’re someone worth listening to and 2) your advice is worth following is another matter.
Warnings quickly turn into fearmongering. Good-faith advice becomes a lecture, and the audience tunes it out.
It happens in the gambling universe all the time:
The industry fearmongers the black market, and lawmakers and regulators roll their eyes and dismiss the concerns.
Legalization supporters lecture opponents, and the opponents dig in their heels even more.
It’s also pervasive in the responsible and problem gambling fields, where the messaging often aims to guilt individuals into behavioral change, which is generally ineffective unless the recipient is already in a crisis.
Responsible gambling messages should be empowering rather than guilt-inducing. It needs more of a personal touch.
You’re Tone, It’s All Wrong
I recently heard a story where a martial arts instructor would ask his private students two questions before the session:
Is there something you are supposed to be doing with your family right now?
Is there something you should be doing for your job or professionally right now?
If the answer is no, they begin the session. If the student answers yes, the session is canceled.
Consider these questions from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which are incredibly similar but have an altogether different, accusatory tone:
Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
The questions from the martial arts instructor are not judgmental. The design of the questions is meant to make you consider how you prioritize your life now, not reflect on previous negative choices. The same can’t be said for the DSM, which seems designed to highlight your failings as a spouse/parent or how you are ruining your future. One is in the now; the other is looking backward.
Why Should I Listen to You?
Another consideration is that unsolicited advice is rarely well-received. Unsolicited advice from a stranger or a corporation is on par with discussing politics at a family reunion.
Most people will politely listen to someone offering advice on whatever topic. Still, without the proper relationship, the advice either goes in one and out the other (even if they think it is sound or relevant) or is perceived as a personal attack they must defend against.
Before you offer advice, make sure you have express or tacit permission to speak on the subject, know what you're talking about, and communicate information in a helpful and motivating way.
Don’t be the gym bro who approaches every person with workout tips.
Giving advice comes down to trust. And getting someone to trust you takes time and effort.
There must be a reciprocal relationship and a mutual understanding of when advice might reasonably be given and how that advice will be received. You can’t get annoyed if someone disagrees with your advice or feels you are judging, moralizing, or engaging in intellectual snobbery. That’s a lecture.
A lecture is where the current RG/PG messaging resides. It attempts to guilt people into changing their gambling ways, either by adopting responsible gambling tools or seeking treatment for a gambling disorder they’re not even sure they have. While they may work for those at the lowest point, it’s not a message that will resonate with the masses.
That requires trust, which means offering the right message from the right person at the right time.
Perfect advice delivered at the wrong time or by the wrong messenger will not be heeded.
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